A Letter to the Future Two-Dad Family

Andrew and his husband Ben always knew they wanted to be dads. Their path to parenthood wasn’t linear, but it was paved with incredible belief, deep community ties, and the remarkable generosity of others.

Andrew on the left, and his husband, Ben, on the right. Photo by Chellise Michael.

My husband Ben and I always knew we wanted kids. That was never a question. Even before we moved in together, he said, “Before we do this, I need to make sure you want to have kids... otherwise this isn’t worth my time.” He was (and still is) pretty Type A. Lucky for both of us, I did.

At a Men Having Babies conference, we got a crash course on making that dream a reality—a total overload of information, stories, logistics, and costs. (By the way, it’s an incredible resource for LGBTQ+ and straight families.) We left feeling ready… or at least ready to start.

Our first match came faster than expected. We couldn’t say no: a dream surrogate - LGBTQ+ herself, kind, and already experienced, having carried for another gay couple. But five months into the process with us, she decided to return to the original family she had worked with. It came pretty unexpectedly, given how far we had come together.

Our second match was a single mom with a seven-year-old son whom we instantly loved. But after her psych evaluation, she realized she had some trauma she needed to work through. We fully supported her decision.

And then something truly amazing happened. At the same hospital, a woman who had previously carried for her sister-in-law as an altruistic surrogate heard about us. She said, “I want to help.” She’s the best— an amazing mom, part of a deeply loving family, and now a huge part of ours. She carried both of our children, and her whole family recently visited us.

Framed by a rainbow: their son Theo is on the left, Andrew is in the middle, and Ben is on the right holding their daughter, Noa.

Throughout the journey, Ben and I grew stronger and more excited to build a bigger family. We didn’t have to endure the physical toll of fertility like so many others, and we’re endlessly grateful to those who made it possible—our incredible surrogate, our egg donor (one of our closest friends, who flew to New York to donate during COVID), and the doctors and providers who made us feel respected and seen at every step.

I will say: there was one time we felt some discrimination. Our surrogate had previously given birth for her sister-in-law, and both parents (mom and dad) were allowed in the delivery room during COVID. The hospital, at the time, decided that since it was a surrogacy pregnancy, they would make an exception to the one-person rule. They had discussed making the same exception for us, but when the hospital found out we were two dads, they said only one of us could be there. Without even telling us, our surrogate switched hospitals at 35 weeks. “You’re both going to be in that room,” she told us. And we were.

Ben on the left holding their son, Theo, and Andrew on the right holding their daughter, Noa.

Now we’re here—changing diapers, negotiating bedtimes with our 3-year-old son, Theo, and loving every moment (okay, most of it). Our toddler already knows exactly where he came from. He has two dads, two aunties (our egg donor and surrogate), and a whole story we’ve shared with him from day one. We believe in complete transparency, so when someone asks, “Who’s your mom?” he can proudly say he has two dads who built a beautiful family with the support of some amazing helpers. And now, we’re doing it all over again with our infant daughter, Noa, who’s already adding her own joy and chaos to the mix. When the time comes, Noa will proudly carry her story too, of two dads and love woven into every part of her beginning.

This path isn’t for everyone, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.